I had a very wierd expereince in a coffee shop the other day. While i was busy sipping a steaming cup of Latte, I could not prevent overhearing the conversation between two friends, seated exactly at my back.
Though I could not track the entire converation, I was sure that it was some kind of woe, which one friend was effusing out to the other. Here's an excerpt of the same.....
What is that keeps me lingering on to it…Is it the righteousness of my decisions, that I m fearing obliviously? Or simply the uncertainty of my future is engulfing my jubilations?
I am a strong person, who could fight all odds in her life…or so I thought about myself.
Do I really know the self which abodes within me or am I just painting a rosy picture and endeavoring to fit myself in that frame?
Nothing seems to assuage the battle within my mind….an incessant turbulence has gripped it…I feel lost, while I have been making efforts to find myself. Why are there so many contradictions in life? My head is aching thinking about all these incongruities…I feel like running away from everything to get some solace…somewhere…do I not deserve at least some respite from the bedlam enveloping my aura, my being? Oh….how much I am trying to overcome this interrogation mode but all in vain. My mind is jostling to reach beyond this gruesome phase. It's tearing my heart apart and I just can't bear this excruciating pain anymore.
I just took a step towards my happiness; did that entitle me to suffer so much? Why am I being held responsible for the sorrows which somebody else is experiencing because of my decision?
Never have I seen my hopes getting belied, like this time. I am happy….I want to be happy but I feel so guilty. This duality in my mind should cease now, else it would drive me insane. At times I wonder if frivolity is my second name. Deep down my heart I know that I grow whimsical about my decisions after a while, but why was the "while" so long this time? It has left my life blatant with marks!!! I digressed because I was not happy...because I felt lost and suppressed…
I am happy now but something is impeding me from enjoying it…what is that?
I feel like the mariner in Samuel Taylor's "The rime of Ancient Mariner"…an invisible albatross is hanging heavy on my neck. Only if I could see it, I would have tried taking it off…alas!!!
These thoughts are choking my mind. Gawwwd…
I wish I could undo certain events from my life. I wish so many things, but I know they might never see the sun. Bequeathing them is the dismal option I am left with now. In that case would I have put enough fight against the odds in life? Do I have the audacity to indulge in any fracas with life now? I hear no voice coming from my mind or heart. They have become defunct. All this only because of this mammoth mayhem, which has swallowed me in its vortex. The pot of peace is empty like this room. My only companion here is my echo. Could life have been worse than this?
My salad days have gradually purged…with no sign of returning ever…
I can not stop tears rolling down my cheek….I wish these tears could wash away all the glooms from my life and bring back the olden times of warmth, love and security… I wish it could happen.
[This is just a miniscule part of what a friend has felt for another friend]